Some people believe that love can be one of the most powerful connections between two people that every human being should be constantly looking for. Some other people experience that not all love stories unfold in healthy ways. Intimate Partner Violence is an issue that impacts millions of women globally, regardless of culture, background, religion, or ethnicity. Many women find it challenging to recognize when a loving relationship has crossed the line into abuse, especially when society has given expectations on the notion of ‘love that conquers all’, including for woman to be forgiving, accommodating, and committed. We also like the idea of being in a romance, don’t we? We have learned to prioritize the idea of a romantic relationship, and we have also learned to ignore that feeling of subtle forms of emotional degradation that erodes self-worth and silences individuality. We have learned to ignore and obscure Intimate Partner Violence.
We often think violence only exists when there is physical harm or sexual abuse, that it is just seen in the news or the police stations. However, violence goes far beyond these boundaries, often hiding in plain sight, in the flowers given as an apology for words or actions that were harmful, in the laughter of a joke that cuts a little too deep, or in the decision made "for our own good". Without realizing it, we start to compromise small parts of our lives, holding back our thoughts to avoid conflict or to prevent our partner from becoming upset. Rather than being true to ourselves, we begin to mold ourselves into the role of the “good wife” or the “good girlfriend”, caught in a cycle of negative emotions and conflicts, masked by moments of love, trips, and poetry. This emotional whirlwind creates a dangerous illusion, making difficult to recognize that we might be being abused by someone we love.
At first, we confuse these sacrifices with small acts of love or commitment to our partner. Afterall, we are grateful for their love, we want to keep the harmony, and we can avoid the fear of an ‘emotional distance’ (another unconscious response shaped by many factors like the desire for security, social acceptance, fear of loneliness, and sometimes a lack of confidence in being self-sufficient). Over time, the lines of distinction between love and abuse fades, and we begin to normalize behaviors that diminish us. We accept control as care, endure pain as proof of love, and even misinterpret harm as affection. We lose sight of these patterns that take away our sense of self-worth, and we lose sight of something essential: our right to be respected and valued.
Subtle Signs of Violence That We Don’t Always See
Emotional and psychological violence often hides behind situations that seem harmless but are, in fact, forms of violence, control, disrespect and disdain that can have devastating effects on a person’s life, affecting self-esteem, mental health, and the ability to make independent choices or to feel safe. Many women, in conversations, have shared abusive behaviors they have noticed in their partners, behaviors we may also recognize.
"Jim raised me up, he hurt me but it felt like true love. Jim taught me that loving him was never enough."
– Ultraviolence, Lana del Rey.
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