Intimate Partner Violence -Signs of Abuse.

Part 1.

By: Paula Camila Monoga.

Some people believe that love can be one of the most powerful connections between two people that every human being should be constantly looking for. Some other people experience that not all love stories unfold in healthy ways. Intimate Partner Violence is an issue that impacts millions of women globally, regardless of culture, background, religion, or ethnicity. Many women find it challenging to recognize when a loving relationship has crossed the line into abuse, especially when society has given expectations on the notion of ‘love that conquers all’, including for woman to be forgiving, accommodating, and committed. We also like the idea of being in a romance, don’t we? We have learned to prioritize the idea of a romantic relationship, and we have also learned to ignore that feeling of subtle forms of emotional degradation that erodes self-worth and silences individuality. We have learned to ignore and obscure Intimate Partner Violence.

We often think violence only exists when there is physical harm or sexual abuse, that it is just seen in the news or the police stations. However, violence goes far beyond these boundaries, often hiding in plain sight, in the flowers given as an apology for words or actions that were harmful, in the laughter of a joke that cuts a little too deep, or in the decision made "for our own good".  Without realizing it, we start to compromise small parts of our lives, holding back our thoughts to avoid conflict or to prevent our partner from becoming upset. Rather than being true to ourselves, we begin to mold ourselves into the role of the “good wife” or the “good girlfriend”, caught in a cycle of negative emotions and conflicts, masked by moments of love, trips, and poetry. This emotional whirlwind creates a dangerous illusion, making difficult to recognize that we might be being abused by someone we love.

At first, we confuse these sacrifices with small acts of love or commitment to our partner. Afterall, we are grateful for their love, we want to keep the harmony, and we can avoid the fear of an ‘emotional distance’ (another unconscious response shaped by many factors like the desire for security, social acceptance, fear of loneliness, and sometimes a lack of confidence in being self-sufficient). Over time, the lines of distinction between love and abuse fades, and we begin to normalize behaviors that diminish us. We accept control as care, endure pain as proof of love, and even misinterpret harm as affection. We lose sight of these patterns that take away our sense of self-worth, and we lose sight of something essential: our right to be respected and valued.

Subtle Signs of Violence That We Don’t Always See

Emotional and psychological violence often hides behind situations that seem harmless but are, in fact, forms of violence, control, disrespect and disdain that can have devastating effects on a person’s life, affecting self-esteem, mental health, and the ability to make independent choices or to feel safe. Many women, in conversations, have shared abusive behaviors they have noticed in their partners, behaviors we may also recognize.

At first, my partner seemed sweet, attentive, and protective. However, over time, I noticed that he began to control certain aspects of my life. He constantly asked where I was and with whom, and asked me to share my location.

He suddenly appeared one day, while I was talking with a friend at a cafe, interrupting my conversation. He was following me. He picked a fight in public, accusing me of hiding something because I was talking to a man, and he made me feel guilty.

He became angry and pushed me to make me walk faster or follow his directions. I knew he was taking control over me and showing that his will comes before my comfort or desires.

He frequently checks my messages and social media posts, and if anyone comments on them, he questions me immediately. Gradually, I started to withdraw from my social circle.

He demanded that I distance myself from friends he doesn’t approve of. Anytime I speak with some friends or family, he accused me of keeping secrets.

He began making decisions for me, like how I should spend my free time and what I should do. I feel his ideas being imposed on me, and when I disagree, he yells or punishes me with silence.

He threatened me with things that are important to me. One day he said that if I don’t do as he says, he’ll destroy or withhold my passport.

If I try to set boundaries, he yells, makes intimidating gestures, or bangs objects, leaving me feeling terrified, insecure, and guilty. He’s so frightening that I feel too scared to share anything personal with him.

He insists that my actions are the cause of his anger.

During an argument, as I tried to express my feelings, he spit to the side and made dismissive gestures. I felt like he was trying to lower my self-esteem and make me feel that my words, thoughts, and feelings are unworthy of attention.

He told me to leave the property, or he will hit my vehicle. He threatened to damage items in the house, and he becomes aggressive to inanimate objects like slamming kitchen cupboards, pots, or doors.  Anything small that he would have in his hand he would throw it at me, like empty beer cans.

He will become very aggressive by yelling, getting very close to me in a threatening manner, grabbing my arms roughly and restraining me so I cannot do anything, and I have to pay attention to what he is saying. Then he will calm down and say sorry.

I was in bed sleeping when he pushed me, and I went flying off the bed. I cracked my ribs when I hit the floor.

"Jim raised me up, he hurt me but it felt like true love. Jim taught me that loving him was never enough."

 – Ultraviolence, Lana del Rey.

And you? Have you ever felt or had an experience like that?